Gender rolls

This one is for the people who actually care about the “roll” part of our “roll and travel”. 

To recap, for those of you that don’t know: Fred and I both train BJJ (Brazilian Jiu Jitsu) quite frequently at home and love to explore new gyms when we’re on the road. So, here are our experiences so far!

(If you’re not that interested in BJJ, I’d advise you to skip this one- it’s full of details nobody who doesn’t much care about the sport will find interesting.)

The first time we did this we were in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. We actually tried to contact quite a few gyms in different cities before, but they didn’t answer. This was the first time it worked out. 

We went to a gym called “Kyrgyzstan Top Team”. They had a strong social media presence and answered fast enough to my enquiries over Instagram. They had lots of videos featuring lots of athletes of all ages and genders. We were quite excited and, for my part, a bit nervous. 

Martial arts are quite popular in Central Asia- Khabib Nurmagomedov was on many a billboard and car, lots of men and boys wear UFC-branded shirts and there are adverts for boxing or wrestling competitions in every city. We also saw many shops and stands selling sports equipment, and, as far as I could see, that always included boxing gloves, spats, rashguards and everything else a martial artist might yearn for.  Of course, Central Asia is also the crib of many a wrestling style and many famous fighters come from these regions. We’ve often seen men play-wrestling while hanging out or waiting for something, and I’ve seen a young man kneel before his much younger, perhaps 4-year old relative and hold out his hands, patiently explaining to the child how to properly strike into his open hands. By the little ones finesse, this wasn’t the first time, either. 

So, I was nervous. We entered the BJJ gym and saw the tail end of the former class- the next class was to be seminar by some black belt from Russia, but beggars cant be choosers. We were greeted curiously by some people, many people shook Freds hand. Nobody shook mine, except a Russian guy who was talking to Fred, when I commented on the hand-shaking thing. He said “Yeah, they’re pretty religious here. I’m Ivan, by the way”, and  pointedly offered me his hand. He had only just joined the gym.

We got in line, one of the few people without a Gi (we decided to travel without, as it’s too bulky) and went all the way to the back of the line. To say it was white belt city was an understatement- I’d guess there were about 50-60 people in the room, there was one purple belt, a handful of bluebelts and the rest was whitebelt. The coach was a blackbelt. There were even a handful kids, about 10 -12 years old. And I was the only woman. 

We warmed up, we drilled, Fred and I paired together as the coach advised us to. The topic was distance passing and even though I don’t think we were taught any groundbreaking new magic moves, it was nice to just move again, practice and grapple with each other. Soon, we started on positional sparring with increasing intensity and switching partners every few minutes. Fred went off, eager to test himself against people closer of his skill level (he’s an experienced purple belt, I’m a freshly minted bluebelt) and weight class (he has about 20 kg on me). Me? I found myself somewhat shunted to the side and awkwardly seeing if anyone would approach me- they didn’t. I couldn’t really tell if someone had left or perhaps was resting or just didn’t want to spar with me. This happens sometimes, even at home, that someone has to sit out a round and wait. Sometimes it’s a welcome excuse to catch your breath and when the next round starts, then you go back in and somebody else takes a break. 

Not this time. This time, nobody caught my eye, even though multiple people sat out and some left and the numbers were definitely uneven. One round, Fred was also without a partner- the coach, who was constantly watching from the sides, picked up on this and quickly arranged for a partner for him. 

Up until the end of the lesson, nobody rolled with me. When people were leaving, they shook hands with everyone sitting on the sidelines- up until they came up to me. They skipped me, avoiding my eyes and shook everyone else’s hand. 

At some point during  towards the end of the lesson, I found myself sitting next to the coach, who started talking to me. He told me “You look bored.” 

At this point, I was very frustrated and I told him so, since no one wanted to roll with me. 

“Ah”, he said, smiling and putting his hand on his chest, “this is because they respect you.” He proceeded to explain to me that this was a conservative culture and the men didn’t want to touch me because it wasn’t proper. 

I wasn’t convinced and said so, somewhat politely. He shrugged, obviously feeling a bit awkward, and drifted away. 

During our cooldown, a nice guy chatted me up, asking where we are from and how we came to be there- but he was pretty much the only person I talked to, apart from Fred and the coach, during the lesson. 

The most positive contact actually happened after the session- back in the changing room, while I was changing out of my sports clothes, another girl came in. 

She greeted my effusively and with a lot of enthusiasm. 

“Ooooh, you train BJJ? They let you join just now? That’s great, when is your next time, we can train together!” She was so enthusiasctic that it took two tries until I could convey that by saying “I’m not from here” I meant not from this country, and no, I wouldn’t be returning as we were going on to Almaty the next day. She was quite dissappointed and explained to me that the guys were kind of conservative and would only let you join as a woman if you brought another female training partner. She had someone for Tuesdays and Thursdays, but wanted someone for Mondays and Fridays. I actually felt bad for letting her down, especially since she had been the friendliest encounter so far.

To be honest, I was somewhat devasteted by the whole thing. I felt utterly humiliated and alone. Everyone had been so friendly and welcoming to Fred, whereas I’d been totally ignored. I’ve been training martial arts, with a small gap during my student years, more or less non-stop since I’ve been 12 years old. I love my sport. I enjoy pitting myself against an opponent, I love the challenge and I love the martial force behind it. It’s always been “my thing” and I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon. To be excluded from the very people who share the same passion and to somehow be found unworthy of even a  hello or even simple eye-contact and a friendly smile felt horrible. 

I thought about the explanation the coach provided me, about it being about respect. That the others won’t touch or train with me for not wanting to dishonour me, or perhaps themselves. I thought if I was viewing this whole experience from the wrong lens. 

Maybe I am. But fuck that. I think they’re wrong. There is nothing respectful about being ignored and not offered the basic courtesy of a greeting, or even an explanation of a certain behaviour before the fact. Maybe there were people there who would be uncomfortable rolling with me. But we have a saying in Germany, roughly translated as “The fish goes bad from the head down.” It sounds better in German. But what I think that the coaches set the tone in a gym, and if they enforce a certain set of rules or just lead by example, then even the guys who wouldn’t have minded rolling with me, or perhaps- what an outragous notion- even enjoyed it, would have been free to do so. But they can’t, of course, if its considered improper. 

So yeah. This experience, for me, was a disaster and rankles still.